S3:E13 — Tim Allen

The Blue Man Group has been forced by the federal government to hire an orange man and a purple woman.

A new report by the CDC reports that only one third of Americans use condoms while two thirds are still pretty cool.

Ever since Trump's new immigration policy came in, the band 'Foreigner' is scared.

They say curiosity killed the cat but I don't think we should rule out that shifty-lookin' kid next door...

Something tells me a 'cock-and-bull story' has a different meaning at a gay rodeo.

You know I'm happy to help out a friend, but the next time my roommate asks for help putting on sunscreen, he better be talking about his back. Fool me once!

The person who invented the frisbee was cremated and made into frisbees after he died, his body was then spread across roofs and poorly maintained backyards.

You know what's not as easy as pie?

Baking an actual fucking pie!

There's no use crying over spilt milk, unless the milk was spilt on your father's fresh corpse right before his funeral.

A New Mexico man was arrested for urinating on a family at a Metallica concert, or as Adam Eget calls it, 'foreplay'.

When I grew up, my family was so poor we didn't have a pot to piss in, so we pissed in other people's pots. We'd break into people's houses in the dead of night, find people's pots and take a giant piss in them because we had accumulated full bladders from holding down urine all day long from waiting to piss in people's pots.

I don't want to shoot myself in the foot but my left big toe is a neo-nazi. Even worse, my big right toe believes that there should be a gender pay gap.

A group of crows is called a murder, a group of unicorns is called a blessing and a group of cows is called my in-laws!

A hippo's mouth is wide enough to fit a four foot tall child, unfortunately after measuring the hippo's mouth almost all the children were eaten.

Look, I know the bible says not to covet thy neighbour's wife, but it doesn't say a damn thing about not coveting thy neighbour's husband, especially his sweet hot fuckin' asshole.

The Statue of Liberty is setting a bad example for young women. When times get tough, you can't just stand motionless for centuries holding a torch.

Artifacts from Auschwitz are set to go on tour for the first time. Experts believe this will be Miley Cyrus' darkest opening act yet.

A new study finds that men are more likely to blame 'stress from work' as the contributor to poor mental health while women are more likely to jabber on about something or other.