Blue Card Jokes

We all know that the Swiss are officially neutral. Unofficially, however, they're filthy sons of bitches.

Remember the old days when 'tweeting' meant stabbing a hooker?

Why is there an app for everything, except how to rape a baby?

Some gold-plated chains would make a nice retirement gift for a very, very good slave.

I can prove God exists! If I could just find that damn receipt from our brunch in heaven...

We could nip 'March Madness' in the bud if we watch for the warning signs of 'Brooding Anti-social February Fever'

This Lindsay Lohan can't swim a stroke but she sure knows every dive in town.

Call me an old softie, but I'd prefer if you call me a distinguished gentleman with a flagging erection.

I remember back when the 'Harlem Shake' was just a black fella holding me upside down off of a fire escape trying to collect his money!

Sure junkyard dogs are mean, but the meanest dogs are generally found guarding concentration camps.

Note: Early versions of Jim Croce's 1973 smash hit 'Big Bad Leeroy Brown' included the line "meaner than a concentration camp dog" but Croce decided it was unpleasant to the ear.

And it was also offensive to Jews, gypsies and homosexuals. Little did it matter, Croce would be dead within the year.

Deep Throat' porn legend Harry Reems died.

How are they going to close that casket?!

Alfred the Great may well be the greatest monarch in the history of England.

The worst?

Richard the Goat Fucker!

Hank Williams Jr. called President Obama a Muslim who "hates the US"

In response, President Obama said, "Why would I hate the US? You guys made me President and I wasn't even born here!"

This Easter Sunday, Snoop Dogg gets to say "Christ is Rizzisen"

We wear new clothes on Easter to represent Christ's triumphant appearance to the stunned Apostles in a sharp 2-button blazer by Hugo Boss.

The guy who did the voice of Charlie Brown was arrested for stalking his girlfriend this week.

He also said the next time Lucy grabs away the football, he's going to "cut that bitch".

President Obama continues to shamelessly wage class warfare.

Today he announced a steep new tax on shiny top hats.

Some folks say what this country needs is a good five cent cigar. I'm guessing they're opposing Obamacare.

I don't know if this counts as an NCAA Cinderella story, but one of the marquette players said he had help making his uniform from a bunch of singing mice and birds.

I read a story about a 17 year old kid who stole a plane, crashed it, and survived.

Why don't we make the whole plane out of that kid?

Warning to the Easter bunny: Don't put all your eggs in one basket, fella!

They say the world's a smaller place than it used to be, but I think that's an optical illusion, based on me becoming a big fat guy.

Growing up, I never would have believed that one day I'd need a computer just to masturbate.

Jon Hamm has a big dick. I could have told you that, but I don't suck and tell!

Swedish Bond girl Britt Ekland told Piers Morgan this week that she was seduced by Warren Beatty after the legendary lothario took her to an X-rated movie for their first date.

This is what I have to say about that: "Hey Warren, stop stealing my moves!"

Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb, but I invented the lightbulb up my ass.

Octomom is facing jail time for committing welfare fraud. Who didn't see that one coming. I mean seriously, a single mother of eight!

I am not a big fan of videogames where you cannot kill a prostitute.

The thing I miss most about the 70's is rolling a number and giving my old lady some head.

Celebrating April 1st birthdays, Russian pianist Sergei Rachmaninoff, who was born on this day in 1872, rapper Method Man is 41, Debbie Reynolds turns 80 today, Rachel Maddow is 39, and former German Chancellor Helmut Schmidt would have been 95 today.

April Fools! Former German Chancellor Helmut Schmidt is alive and well!

I love Lou Gehrig, but I'm not going to stand up in front of a million people and brag that I'm the luckiest man in the world because some doctors named a disease after me.

Confidence is one thing, but arrogance is the worst disease of them all.

One day in the hopefully not-too-distant future, North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un is going to hear a loud popping sound. The sound of his head coming out of his own ass!

A Miami Florida pimp is in custody after forcing a 13 year old prostitute to have his name tattooed on her eyelids when she threatened to run away from him. Roman Thomas III faces charges of human trafficking, false imprisonment, lewd and lascivious exhibition, and delivery of a controlled substance to a child. Y'know, I know the scriptures say "judge not lest ye be judged" but I'm just going to come right out and say it. This 'Roman Thomas III guy'... this guy's a real jerk!

I used to think revenge was a dish best served cold, but then I realized it meant 'getting back at somebody'.

Hey, news media, leave Kim Kardashian alone, will you? She's pregnant! Of course she's going to gain weight, and if anyone knows about rapid weight gain it's me. I went to see the doctor about it and he told me to open my mouth and say OINK!

I think enough time has passed since 1947 where I can safely admit it.

I wish I was the guy that finally wiped the annoying smirk off the Black Dahlia's face.

Music is the universal language, but one day soon it will be replaced by Chinese.

I feel the same way about slaves as I do about shirts with flame patterns on them. I don't want to be friends with anyone who owns either of them.

Mickey Mantle knew two things, drinking, and playing drunk baseball.

Why doesn't Applebee's call their appetizers appletizers? And why doesn't that waitress I met at TGI Fridays ever call me back?

This administration is cutting back drastically on military spending but doesn't think defense capabilities will be compromised? How so? I'll tell you how so! Groupons!

Remember Groupons?

A worldwide scientific study confirms a long held suspicion; no one anywhere likes drum circles.

Justin Bieber's monkey has been quarantined, which reminds us how far we've come since headlines about Pearl Harbor and D-Day.

In the coffee shop line today I hear the guy behind me say "I like to start by biting the ears off" and I had to pray "Please God, let him be talking about a chocolate Easter bunny!"

Earlier this week Aaron Jackson of Topeka, Kansas painted his house the colors of the gay pride rainbow flag in direct protest of the Westboro Baptist Church. When that didn't seem to work, Jackson fucked three of his best buds on his front lawn.

Chipotle has cancelled its planned sponsorship of the Utah Boy Scout event due to the BSA's ban on gay leaders and scouts. Ironic how an all male anti-gay organization would want to put hot thick loads of beef and sour cream in their mouth.

Former Tennessee Titans cheerleader Elizabeth Leigh Garner, 42 is accused of pulling a 12 year old boy pants off and offering him oral sex. The boy refused her advances, not because he was 12 but because he was a diehard Colts fan.

Albert Fish was born May 19th in New York City in 1870. He was known as 'The Gray Man' and 'The Werewolf of Wisteria'. He was a serial killer who slayed children and ate them. When police asked a woman to describe him she said he was "gray in both appearance and demeanour". The child rapist and cannibal Fish boasted that he had children in every state. He only chose victims who were either mentally handicapped or African American. Fish tortured, mutilated and murdered the youngsters with a meat cleaver, a butcher's knife and a small handsaw, solidifying his reputation as the most vicious child slayer in criminal history. Though barely literate, Fish wrote taunting letters to the parents of his victims gruesomely detailing how he slayed, butchered, cooked and then with great enjoyment dined on their offspring. He would inevitably declare that a child's roasted rump was the most toothsome dish in all gastronomy. Additionally, Fish was a masochist and would insert wool doused with lighter fluid into his own anus and set it alight for his own enjoyment. Fish was finally arrested and he immediately began confessing to killing 700 children. He was dizzyingly happy, smiling as he described the grisly details of the tortures and the murders appearing to the detectives 'as the devil himself'... I mean this guy was a real jerk!

The obituaries are concerning me because people are dying in alphabetical order.

Former pornstar Jenna Jameson was arrested this weekend after allegedly assaulting someone. This may be the most damaging thing to happen to her image since her 16 year career in pornography.

Why did the moron throw the clock out the window?

Because it reminded him of Richard Clock - the man convicted of knife-raping his wife.

Veterinarians in Colorado have reported that marijuana use is on the rise among dogs. They say you will know if your dog is too high if it starts making a really tall sandwich.

My doctor told me I should start juicing. The problem is I don't think he meant ham juice.

I'm so fat that when I get my shoes shined I have to take the bootblack's word for it!

Porn actor Ron Jeremy is back at work after having open-heart surgery. The name of his next feature is called 'I'm Going to Have to Sit Down for Most of This'

Dance like no one is watching.

Sing like no one is listening.

Love like you've never been hurt.

And fuck like a goddamn retard.

How many Polish guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb.

The question can not be answered because Polish people are so fucking stupid that no matter how many of them are available none of them would ever be able to complete that simple task.

How many comedians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to do it, and the other to go "How long's he been up there?"

My brother-in-law is so stupid, he came up with a bucket list.

Know what the first thing on his bucket list was? Committing suicide.

Have you heard about the four NFL players that are coming out of the closet? It's about time I think. I think it's high time. Because isn't it strange that nobody's come out of closet in the entire sport of football? Where there's 2000+ players? So there's a great deal of speculation on who those four openly gay players will be. Nobody knows.

My guess is it's those four that are always sucking each others cocks.

Because of droughts all over Europe, scientists are predicting a global shortage of olive oil.

Soon the world will know how Popeye felt after the death of his wife.

It takes forever to get a pilot's license, but it only takes a couple of minutes to steal a pilot's jacket and hat.

Barbara Walters is planning to announce her retirement, what's next for Babs?

Death.

I think there's nothing cooler than being a lone wolf. Except at wolf-picnics when you don't have a partner for the wolf-wheelbarrow races.

The Octomom has reportedly been evicted from her California home. The mother of 14 children packed up and left her property in Palmdale after being asked to leave for not paying her rent for the month of April. The single parent whose real name is Nadya Suleman exited leaving a huge mess and the stench of urine inside the pad. Wait, it says here the urine has been traced back to Adam Eget.

Call me crazy, but I take orders from Martians who send secret messages beamed out from the antenna at the top of the Empire State Building.

A Georgia high school is planning to merge their formerly all black and all white proms into a single event. The theme of this June's dance? 'An Evening of Unbridled Race War'

A Florida man was arrested for stealing a truck filled with $76,000 worth of Campbell's soup.

I, for one, hope this guy goes away for 'Mmm, mmm, good!'

My girlfriend and I have a deal where we have one celebrity that we can sleep with and it's not considered cheating. Mine is that woman who plays Madea.

In Kansas, a gay-rights activist named Aaron Jackson paid $83,000 to buy a house across from the homophobic Westboro Baptist Church and had it painted rainbow colours. Mr. Jackson plans to recoup his investment by... well, actually there's no plan. Have fun living in a hideous house in Kansas across from some vicious bigots!

Its Earth Day!

The one day of the year where you can jerk off outside and nothing bad can happen!

(I don't know what Earth Day is)

A new study shows that most men can identify a gay man by his face alone.

It's the face that's buried in another man's asshole.

Apparently someone in Germany stole 5 metric tons of Nutella. Police haven't arrested anyone yet but they are questioning Günther Hasbargen, the 700 pound man that smells like chocolate and hazelnuts who guards the Nutella storage facility.

I love the movie '42'. It's Chadwick Boseman like you've never seen him before!

There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's... says the guy who didn't shove a bunch of Reese's up his ass.

Amanda Bynes is a lush blonde who's quickly turning into a blonde lush.

Have you heard about this thing where people make up porn star names? They take their childhood pet's name and then they combine it with their childhood street name.

So anyways, mine would be Dick Fuckington.

...I lived on Fuckington Crescent.

College freshman Scott Damerow set a new world record by using his head to bust 142 eggs and he now officially holds a place in the Guinness Book of Fucking Retards.

If you were a Russian prostitute on a date with serial killer Andrei Chikatilo aka. The Rostov Ripper and he couldn't achieve an erection... that was not your lucky day.

The Al Qaeda online magazine 'Inspire' has a recipe for a homemade bomb. They also have a recipe for a pretty darn good peach cobbler.

You know my clothes make me look slimmer. But they did not fool that flight of stairs that collapsed under my astonishing new girth.

I loved Liberace but with all due respect, man, if you kicked that guy in the ass a hundred cocks would fall out.

Fast and Furious 6 opens next week. The cast is getting a little older, it's less 'Fast and Furious' and more 'Brisk and Peeved'

A good name for a dog is 'Syndrome'. Then when he tries to attack someone you can yell "Down Syndrome!"

I've never gotten a decent explanation as to how Popeye the Sailor Man lost his eye.

In my opinion if we are going to fight the war on terror, a good place to start would be our country's haunted houses.

ZZ Top sang that every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man. But you know what they're not crazy about? Gross long beards.

Movie star and award-winning director Ben Affleck has vowed to live for one day on $1.50 or as Adam Eget calls it "a raise".

In England a woman was arrested for throwing a birthday party for her 16 year old son that involved marijuana, alcohol and strippers. Now she's got an even bigger problem: What to do for his 17th birthday.

Horses must love that they're the go-to animals when saying a guy has a huge cock. I bet giraffes have huge cocks, I'm sure of it. But let's face it, no one's ever going to say "That guy's hung like a giraffe" unless his cock is yellow and has brown spots on it. In which case who cares how big his fucking cock is, he has weeks to live.

Tomorrow is National Secretary's Day. I plan on getting my secretary the same thing I always do.

A big fat goosing!

Remember the good old days back when MILF stood for Mentally Ill Ladies I'd like to Fuck?

There's going to be a broadway musical based on the movie, 'Rocky'. In the broadway musical version, after Rocky climbs the steps of the art museum he goes inside and spends 2 hours looking at paintings.

Tim Tebow's time in New York wasn't a total loss, he had a monument built to him in Central Park.

A bench.

Catherine Zeta-Jones has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

Half the time she's Zeta, half the time she's Jones.

A new tabloid rumor: 205 pound Kim Kardashian might be getting paid to gain weight by some weight-loss program or reality show that will then get her to lose weight.

I have a similar deal, only I paid them, and by them I mean Zankou Chicken. And in exchange they give me some Zankou Chicken.

Cats and paraplegics have a lot in common. For starters, neither appreciates being tossed into your neighbour's pool.

They say there's no people like show people, but now scientists have found that show people are genetically linked to the Laplanders and the Finns.

Despite all the advances in veterinary medicine and racing technology the Kentucky Derby record set by Secretariat still stands, the reason?

Today's horses are total pussies.

Ja Rule's taxes are just like his music. No one can remember the last time he released anything.

Catherine Zeta-Jones admitted she is bi-polar.

Half the time she's deliriously happy, and the other half she has to suck an old man's cock.

If tampons are called sanitary napkins, how unsanitary must regular napkins be?

Scientists have found a submerged mass of granite off the coast of South America that they are calling the 'Brazilian Atlantis'. Dammit, I want to be called the 'Brazilian Atlantis'!

Crews in Ohio dismantled a tavern wall in search of Jimmy Hoffa's body, and sure enough, they found the inside of a tavern wall!

I once missed a day of cosmetology school and later I had to take a make-up class.

The Dalai Lama said that "killing in the name of religion is unthinkable".

Hey, thanks Dalai Lama! I'm sure everybody will fucking listen to you!

Yesterday was 'bring-your-daughter-to-work day', which was awkward for Adam Eget. Do you know how hard it is to fuck a whore with her kid on the edge of the bed playing Nintendo?

I like hotels, they make your bed, make your dinner, send housekeepers up to watch you masturbate, its a dream.

The parents of Honey Boo-Boo are getting married this week. I don't know what any of that means but it sounds fucking retarded.

Recent studies show fish can communicate with each other using subtle physical gestures. One of their most common messages: (make a subtle gesture) "Lets leave this party early"

I assume anyone smiling is on meth.

According to a new survey, Robin Roberts is America's most trusted news anchor. And America's least trusted news anchor? Matt Liar!

Ariel Castro the Cleveland kidnapper and rapist must have had a very difficult upbringing. His last name's the same as a ruthless dictator, and his first name's the same as an adorable little red-haired mermaid.

A new study found that men with beards are more attractive than men without beards.

More great work from the University of Bob Seger!

If you guys think it's weird that that guy in Cleveland kept three women in his basement as sex slaves, wait 'til you hear what my middle-aged Uncle Gordon kept in his basement...

A fuckin' electric train!

A Florida university student was caught streaking on campus and apparently told police he was on acid, and asked them to cut his dick off. Boy, these kids today are crazy, back in my day we didn't need drugs, we would just cut our own dicks off.

There's a new 3D version of the Great Gatsby coming out. In 3D, it was almost like the sober examination of the unrestrained materialism and absent moral center of the roaring twenties jumps right out at you!

I think my doctor might be retarded.

Why?

His name is Doctor Retardo.

42 year old Richard Swanson set out to dribble a soccer ball from Seattle to Brazil, but got hit by a car in Oregon and died. Well at least he got to die doing what he loved. Dribbling a soccer ball in traffic.

One of the most popular documentaries on Netflix is 'Jiro Dreams of Sushi'.

One of the least popular is 'Jiro Nightmares of Ass Rape'.

"Pain and Gain" the new movie directed by Michael Bay.

Reviewers are calling it everything from "shit" to "fucking shit"!

My landlord managed to get rid of 230 pounds of ugly fat - he evicted me!

Sure we all know about Norm's astonishing weight gain - but i think it's become a bit wearisome. So let's agree to stop having fun at his expanse.

Four of the top 5 picks in the NFL draft were offensive tackles which is a great thing to tell your wife as the love drains from her eyes.

Danny Devito looks like one of those guys with a short but thick penis.

You know dogs and humans love to run because apparently it gives them a natural high, similar to marijuana, according to the university of Arizona.

After running, what are called cannabinoids, the chemical found in marijuana that gives you the feeling of euphoria, are higher in humans and dogs, and this encourages them to run again... to 7/11 for a slurpee!

A man in Taiwan reportedly cut off his own penis to win an argument with his wife. That reminds me of that episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond" where Raymond forgot Debra's birthday and had to cut his own cock off.

Before I begin I have a quick public service announcement.

Would somebody, anybody, please fuck Martha Stewart?

For the 9th consecutive year, JetBlue Airlines ranked 1st for satisfaction among all North American airlines. Y'know which ranked least in satisfaction?

9/11 Airlines.

I can understand why Barbara Walters is retiring. It must be exhausting occasionally appearing on 'The View'.

Engaging in hate speech is wrong and terrible and should never be tolerated. But you have to admit, engaging in a hate stutter would be kind of cute.

A 'Papa John's' delivery man has been arrested for allegedly selling more than $40,000 in cocaine hidden in pizza boxes, to undercover police officers. This raises an important question: Wheres all that pizza that was supposed to go in those boxes? And can I have them to eat?

Sesame Street introduced its very first Latino character, Armando. But it's not going great, apparently on the first day he got into a knife fight and stabbed the letter A.

The FDA is investigating health risks posed by Wrigley's new caffeinated gum. Where the hell was the FDA when York Peppermint Patties were making people shiver and have involuntary orgasms?

Time Magazine named the Top 100 Most Influential People in the World. The Top 100 included Justin Timberlake, Beyoncé, Jimmy Kimmel... in your FACE, Ueli Maurer, President of the Swiss Confederation!

Nowadays most teenagers don't watch their favorite shows on actual TV sets. Instead they just blow each other.

How many people have to die before we finally do something about dropping pianos?!

The latest Archie Comic shows gay character Kevin kissing his boyfriend Devin. Another barrier will be broken next month when in a dream sequence, Jughead will be shown fisting Betty Crocker.

Barbara Walters announced that she's retiring from 'The View'. Well actually she announced it five years ago, but nobody could hear her over those yammering bitches.

They say pimpin' ain't easy... but what they won't tell you is it's much, much more difficult being a prostitute.

It's hard to believe that the entire cast of Saved by the Bell is now dead.

George Clooney may be a dapper fellow, but don't forget, he whacks off just like the rest of us.

If there's two things I'm 100% sure are true, it's that 1) No means no. 2) You should never take no for an answer.

There is a new service called 'Sidecar', where if you need a ride somewhere you will be picked up by a stranger and driven to your location. However in a few months the company plans on going back to its original name: 'Murder'

Accomplished comedian Sinbad has announced he's filing for bankruptcy for the 2nd time.

Sounds like things have gone from Sin-bad, to Sin-worse.

A lot of people talk about masturbating to the Sears catalogue when they were younger. But I'm a lot older than that, back in my day you actually had to go to a Sears store and fucking whack off!

Organist Ray Manzarek died this week at age 74... THE CURSE OF THE DOORS

My Aunt turned her house into a bed & breakfast. I guess she woke up and said "not enough strangers are fucking here"

There are over 10,000 missing person cases in America. I hope I'm not telling tales out of school, but I think the answer to where these missing people are is very clear:

Joran van der Sloot

Never trust a black guy wearing a Dirk Nowitzki jersey.

Whenever someone says "I have a couple irons in the fire" I think, "is one of them a job writing blacksmithing metaphors?"

If the Miami Heat win the NBA championship this year, I'm going to eat my hat. It's not that I care or think that they're going to win, it's just that I want to eat my hat.

This year's most popular iPhone game is 'Clash of the Clans'

The least popular iPhone game?

'Cut my Cock Off'

Today is the 11th birthday of President Obama's youngest daughter Sasha. Or as I like to call her, 'the uppity one'

Well we're now into those hazy crazy lazy days of summer.

Especially those of us who are over-medicated schizophrenics who live near smoky industrial parks.

I think there's some trouble over at Craigslist. I went over there and saw an ad: 'Someone to kill Craig's wife'

You know that sweet old song 'Tea for Two'?

"Nobody near us to see us or hear us"?

I think those people wanted to get down to some serious fucking.

I think the reason I most look forward to China ruling the earth is that all of their last names sound like slang for 'cock'.

Astronomers have discovered three new planets that have an atmosphere conducive to human life. And they've discovered one that has an "atmo" conducive to hipster life.

Michael Douglas portrayed the flamboyant entertainer Liberace in the new HBO film 'Behind the Candelabra'.

I'd like to say something to Michael Douglas: I sang with Liberace, I knew Liberace, Liberace was a friend of mine. Michael Douglas, you're no Liberace!

Why is it so difficult to find pornography about people in stable monogamous relationships?

China's government has reported that they have lost over 28,000 rivers in the past decade. My theory is they sold it into the sordid world of underground river sex trafficking.

A man in France tried to rob a bank using underwear as a mask, the cops put him in jail right after a quick debriefing.

You know, I'm old enough to remember back to simpler, more innocent times, when the worst thing you'd hear about on the news was hijacked jet liners flying into buildings.

The world's 2nd oldest man died this week at 113. Good news for the world's 3rd oldest man who also got bad news this week: He's dying.

Michael Douglas claims that oral sex can lead to throat cancer. Which might shed some light on why Adam Eget prefers to lick mens assholes.

Scientists now say that trout can communicate with each other with subtle physical gestures.

Wow. Just when you thought trout couldn't get any more fascinating.

Mondays aren't actually worse than any other day according to a group of researchers who've never read a Garfield comic.

Archaeologists excavating a trash pit at the Jamestown Colony site in Virginia have found direct evidence of human cannibalism. It's believed to be the first historical occurence of someone eating a bag of dicks.

Two women accused of using sorcery have been beheaded in a remote village in Papua New Guinea. A team of police rushed to the scene but were forced to stand by and watch the victims being decapitated by axes as locals refused to let them come to their aid. If you ever go to a remote village in Papua New Guinea, at all costs avoid using sorcery!

A Las Vegas woman was arrested after hiding a stolen Rolex in her vagina. Wow, now Bruce Jenner's just gone too far.

Bill Clinton says he wouldn't be surprised if some day we are visited by aliens from outer space.

Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton said: "Shouldn't you be getting a blowjob somewhere?"

Las Vegas is now home to a 550ft tall ferris wheel.

Also drawing thousands to Las Vegas?

Whores!

Health officials in Texas raided the home of 60 year old sisters and found over 100 cats. The cats are named Bootsy, Lola, Tippy, Cornelia, Fluffy, Minerva, Ringo, Jasper, Charlie, Spanky, Snooks, Doodle, Wally Happy-pants, Zeke, Veronica, Dolly, Clyde, Ajax, Rusty, Puff-ball, Snuffy, Sylvia, Mr. Moody, Leonardo, Zeke, Tawana, Evinrude, Nimrod, Sylvester, Skee-ball, Toots, Jupiter, Lady Agatha, Murgatroyd, Lula-belle, Newton, Felix, Smurfette...

The street drug 'Special K' has been found to be an excellent treatment for depression. This according to the New England Journal of Gary Busey.

Michigan man Curtis Peterson received a 15 year prison sentence for having sex with his pet pitbull.

What's that lassie? Woof woof? Grandma got stuck in a well? Woof woof? Oh, you got raped?

A new study found that men with beards are more attractive.

More great work from the University of Bob Seger.

Call me a little old softie, but I'd prefer if you'd call me a distinguished gentlemen with a flagging erection.

In my opinion if you're going to fight the war on terror, a good place to start would be this nation's haunted houses!

Catherine Zeta-Jones has been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, half the time she's Zeta...

If you were a Russian prostitute on a date with serial killer Andrei Chikatilo, aka the Rostov Ripper, and he couldn't achieve an erection...

This was not your lucky day.

Self-described Canadian porn star Luka Rocco Magnotta, heading to court soon for the grisly murder of his Chinese boyfriend. Magnotta allegedly killed Lin Jun on video tape. He started by cutting Jun's penis off, leading to his lover bleeding out live on video tape. Magnotta then went to his kitchen and placed his boyfriend's penis into a skillet frying it until it was golden brown. While taking his last breath, Jun witnessed his supposed soulmate feast on his genitals. After he had perished, Magnotta began dismembering him, sending packages of his - I mean this guy was a real jerk!

My brother-in-law is so stupid, the first thing on his bucket list was suicide.

After being drafted into the 7th round by the Rams, Michael Sam kissed his boyfriend. The celebration didn't end there because on ESPN2 there was full insertion.

This week I learned that cum tastes like nickels.

A study has found that the average high school prom go-er now spends $1000.

Or $2000 if you count the abortion.

A Westchester parking enforcement officer stole $89,000 in quarters. How much laundry does this guy need to do?

The man behind the voice of Tony the Tiger died at 64.

His last words?

"I don't feel Grrrrrr-eaaaat!"

Two strangers were arrested for having sex on a plane. How about that?

You know who I feel sorry for?

The guy in the middle seat.

Neil Patrick Harris posed nude for the cover of Rolling Stone except for a hat hanging off his weiner. And this morning Adam Eget woke up and said "Hey where's my hat?"

We are living in a golden age of Adam masturbating to inter-racial granny porn.

Dr. Dre announced that he's the first hip-hop billionaire, a regular J. Paul Ghetto!

All the charities that Donald Sterling donated millions of dollars to are giving it back to him.

Well, that'll show him.

To stop a pitbull attacking his daughter a Texas man bit the dog. That's an interesting story, but it's not what I would call news.

The search continues for the missing Malaysian airliner. In related news a plane was spotted by some cavemen in the year 365BC.

A man in Chipata, Zambia allowed a hyena to eat his penis after being told by a witch doctor it would help him to become rich. Is it me or does it sound like that hyena and witch doctor were in cahoots?

A tractor-trailer flipped over releasing millions of bees, which stung the driver hundreds of times. Speaking from the hospital, the driver said:

"No flowers?"

I realized in therapy that I'm not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of living.

Oh no, I'm afraid of dying!

A penny earned is nothing to brag about.

Police in Tennessee arrested a teenage girl when they found a loaded gun in her vagina. When questioned, the boyfriend said "I guess that explains why my cock kept getting blown off"

Months later, we still haven't found Malaysian Airlines Flight 370.

This looks like the work of Joran van der Sloot!

A 28 year old med student is auctioning off her virginity online.

For three hundred thousand dollars you can have the worst sex of your life!

George Clooney is engaged. The rich and handsome 53 year old told reporters "It's time for me to settle down and start officially cheating on a heartsick and disillusioned spouse."

Now I don't know much about geopolitics, but that is one cool name for a country: 'Chad'.

Kidnapped schoolgirls in Nigeria are being forced to marry their captors. I'm glad to hear these kidnappers are old-fashioned.

Some of the 200 Nigerian schoolgirls kidnapped by extremists in Nigeria have been forced to marry their kidnappers.

Worse than that, they've been forced to laugh at their husband's stories even after hearing them for the umpteenth time.

If I had a gun to my head and had to pick a vice presidential candidate to have sex with, I would choose Sarah Palin. And Spiro Agnew.

Malaysian Flight 370 is still missing. You know where they're going to find it? The last place they look!

The pilot of Malaysian Flight 370's last words?

"I've had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!"

Yo momma's so fat she developed type-2 diabetes and congestive heart failure! Snap!

You don't hear anymore about Bob Costas' infected eye. Who is stonewalling this investigation?!

If thinking that women are not funny, emotionally irrational, and less intelligent than men makes me sexist, then yes, I am sexist!

Here's what I've learned: You beat up and toss one 19 year old Hispanic hooker out a window and they never let you forget it!

Have you ever seen these adult films that feature only men?

They're awful!

Opinions are like assholes, Neil Patrick Harris wants to stuff his cock in them.

Oh, wait! That's just assholes.

April 15th is around the corner and Adam Eget asked his accountant for his extension. Oh, sorry! Thats his penis surgeon!

It was announced this week that the Archie Comic Books will kill off the character Archie in July. This is disappointing because if there's one Archie character that should die, it's that cock sucker Jughead.

Al Sharpton said that the FBI hired him to spy on the mob in the 1970's, because if there's one thing the mob trusts, it's loud black guys.

When I die I want my body donated to science. But more specifically, a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life.

The search continues in the Indian ocean for the Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 as they listen and try to follow the pings. These guys sound like me, always listening for pings.

The Pings are my Chinese neighbors.

Jim and Ellen Ping.

Two businessmen bought the Milwaukee Bucks for 550 million dollars. They are very excited with their purchase, as this is the only legal way to own black people.

Jenny McCarthy recently got engaged to former 'New Kid on the Block' Donnie Walhberg.

They plan to marry on Retard Island.

How come none of my friends ever have a dungeon? Instead, they all just have rape dungeons.

I found out the secret to life:

There is no problem big enough that a huge black cock cannot fix!

Michelle Obama has booked a cameo on the ABC show 'Nashville'. With this and her appearance on 'iCarly', I think Michelle is ready to start appearing in films. May I suggest my favorite film series: 'Black Ass Fuckers'

Chicago is now #1 in murder and sausages. That sounds like my kind of town!

The World Cup has arrived! So, if you're wondering why your local bar smells, it's because of all the dirty foreigners.

This week I learned that just because I masturbated to that picture of a guy falling to his death on 9/11, doesn't mean I have to share it.

A recent report stated that there are over 65 active serial killers in the United States. What they don't know, is there's actually 66!

(laugh maniacially)

...that's just between you and me.

Brides magazine released a list of '11 Ways to be a Terrible Bride'. They include:

"Don't Interfere with the Wedding Planner"

"Don't Lie About How Much the Wedding Cost Your Family"

and coming in at #1:

"Don't Fuck Your Husband's Best Friends"

Harriette Thompson, 91 finished running the Rock'n'Roll Marathon in San Diego in just over 7 hours, becoming the oldest person to complete a marathon, and setting a world record for the fastest time in her age group. The previous record was set by Mildred Kennelworth who died during mile 1.

Kim and Kanye celebrated their daughter North West's one year birthday by throwing a big party with jugglers, a bouncy house and a ferris wheel. The bad news is that North West is a baby and it doesn't know what the fuck is going on.

A study has found that men are just as likely as women to spread gossip. At least that's what I heard Rick tell Brad, who by the way has a crush on Patty.

Hey Madonna says she's planning to remake the movie 'Casablanca'. Finally! Someone is going to get it right!

Here's a really easy way to figure out if you're taking too many meds: You refer to your medication as 'meds'.

The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and getting caught whacking off in a Target dressing room.

Hey, you're not going to believe this, but Bill Maher is giving away the solution to all our problems... for free!

Know who's even crazier than cat ladies? Snake ladies!

Workers at a Harvard University library have discovered a book that's bound with human skin.

They were able to determine the part of the body that the skin came from after it was grabbed by a sexy librarian and immediately expanded to 3 times its size.

When Gwyneth Paltrow says that being a movie star is harder than working a 9-5 job, she knows, because she spent years clearing heavy debris from demolition sites - oh no, wait - this just in - Gwyneth Paltrow has never done shit!

I'm the Ray Allen of my local Applebees because I'm always nailing 3s.

Alex Trebek set a Guinness world record for most game shows hosted. The previous record was: Who gives a fuck?

Three children were injured when a cannon exploded during a Civil War re-enactment. To keep things authentic, the children had their limbs sawed off with rusty hacksaws.

President Obama in a speech this past week said that we should solve the nation's bee problem.

Oh, God, we elected a guy who sympathizes with BEES?

Presidential Fact: Barack Obama is the first president to ever say the 'N' word as a term of endearment.

A 89 year old Washington man fought off a robber with a golf club, though to be fair, the only reason the guy was swinging a golf club was because he mistook the robber for the grim spectre of death.

A Pakistani father stoned his daughter to death for marrying a man of her own choosing.

Which means Pakistan's tourism board is going to have to come up with a new slogan to replace "Come to Pakistan! Three whole days without anyone being brutally stoned to death by their own Father!"

It's kind of a weird feeling watching the Flintstones lately, with their stone-age drive-in movies, and their caveman bowling... it just seems so dated!

A cowboy at a rodeo in Georgia used his lasso to apprehend a gunman. At least, that's according to a recent segment of America's hottest new game show: 'Georgia Police Blotter or Episode Synopsis from Walker Texas Ranger?'

An Orlando police officer's press conference on curbing gun violence was interrupted by gun shots. Witnesses say the shots were incredibly loud, though not as loud as the deafening irony.

All My Children star Matthew Cowles has died at the age of 69.

Or has he?

Research shows the obesity epidemic is primarily affecting lower income Americans. No lower income Americans could be reached for comment because they were busy waddling around Six Flags, gnawing on a giant turkey leg, and waiting in line to buy an airbrushed Yosemite Sam tank top.

Miss Nevada has been crowned the new Miss USA.

I must now apologize to Miss Delaware. I actually have nothing to do with the final decision but I will treasure our evening together forever.

John Kerry said that the latest terrorist threats against America are "baloney". Then he went on to shout "Why don't you pussies put your money where your mouth is?!"

Secretary of State John Kerry calls the latest terror threats to America "Baloney". On his lunch-meat danger scale that's more dangerous than salami, but not as dangerous as turkey loaf.

The world's oldest man, an 111 year old parapsychologist has passed away. He now knows for sure that all that stuff that he believed in was bullshit.

The world's oldest man, Alexander Imich, passed away at 111. And the world's youngest man, Declan McAlistair was just born. Oh wait! Correction - the world's youngest man Fan Woo Chung was just born- Wait, no, it's Gaston LeClaire- No! Javier Guitierez- No! It's Takeo Yamashita- No! It's... no wonder they don't keep track of the world's youngest man.

A list of the world's top 25 amusement parks was released this week with Disney's Magic Kingdom coming in at #1.

Not making the list: Kyle's Rape Dungeon.

This week I learned you can pay your dentist with blowjobs.

I do a terrible John Travolta impression but I find the impression gets a lot better when my male masseuse is jerking me off.

You know they had a big Black Mass devil worship this week. But I skipped it because I believe you can be just as close to Satan on a golf course as in some stuffy old Satanic Church.

Some Biblical scholars now believe that Jesus Christ was married. They also believe he had the world's worst bachelor party.

A Chinese man spent 10 years developing a suitcase that doubles as a motorized scooter. There's no word on whether he had any particular hopes or dreams.

Movie fans are now celebrating the 30th anniversary of Ghostbusters and are demanding a Ghostbusters 3. At least, according to a homeless dude on my block, who looks suspiciously like Ernie Hudson.

Orange is the new Black but not in my apartment building. Kevin is the new black.

In Alabama, a Youth Ministry group is under fire for putting up a billboard that quotes Adolf Hitler. To be fair, they did pick his most inspirational quote.

That 'Weird Al' Yankovic ain't so weird. He just sings parody songs. My friend 'Weird Phil', that guy's weird, he saves all his cum in Sparklets bottles for marriage.

The world's oldest man died yesterday. Cause of death: Everybody yelled "Surprise!"

I spent the last 2 weeks at Disneyland. It was so much fun, the next time I'm taking my wife and kids.

In World Cup soccer, Mexico defeated Cameroon one to nothing. Or as it's known in soccer, a blowout.

Jonah Hill says his heart is broken over the fact he was caught on camera calling a photographer a gay slur.

And speaking of things that are broken: Jonah Hill's chair.

When I was a child my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes' which at the time I assumed meant that he bought a waterbed... but then I found out he had been killed and his body buried at sea.

My father was recently diagnosed with shingles which is a terrible sickness that usually only affects roofs.

Hotel Rwanda has a great score on Rotten Tomatoes but their Yelp reviews are terrible.

Growing up I had a dog with an eating disorder, he wouldn't eat my homework.

I want to take this moment to endorse podiums.

Now, that's a product I can stand behind!

I don't understand why LA is struggling to provide better public transportation when my neighbour Rich offers free moustache rides every night.

A young Zika mosquito went out flying for the first time, when he came back his father asked 'How was it?' The young mosquito replied 'Great, everyone was clapping for me!'

Do you know what Adam Eget has in common with a guitar player? They both like fingering minors.

Hillary has the support of the Orlando terrorist's Dad, Trump has the support of white supremacist groups. I can't decide who I support until the Zika virus weighs in.

Playboy magazine has done away with the nude photo layouts altogether.

In other words they've eliminated ladies in the altogether altogether!

How come the term 'adult toy' always refers to something you can shove up your asshole and never like a big racecar?

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread eagle and fucked, fucked hard like a fuckin' real tramp...

I had an uncle, mean guy, he was a prize fighter. He once broke both of his hands in a fight against a washer-dryer he won on 'The Price is Right'.

Scientists have discovered a vegan spider in South Africa that will not eat ants. It refuses to eat ants even if it's starving but it will eat tofu shaped like ants.

Researchers in Bermuda believe that they may have finally solved the mystery of Amelia Earhart's disappearance: She was a bad pilot.

The Deer Hunter is a terrific movie unless you shelled out three bucks to see some actual deer hunting.

Say what you will about Elon Musk but with his new plan to bring people to Mars, nobody is a more creative serial killer.

You know the funniest part about doing an office conga line?

When you look back and realise you're doing it alone and you're not in an office, you're in a psychiatric hospital.

I heard that when Beethoven was 16 he wrote his first symphony. This is the kinda guy who makes you realise what an utter sham your life has been. When I was 16, I was in a McDonald's saying "You want lids on these?"

A surname you don't hear much anymore?

Flintstone.

I played a great club here in the city, 'Catch a Rising Star', boy, that's a good club, but across the street they have a tough club, have you been there?

'Snub a Bombing Has-been'

Here's something you should never say in bed:

'That oughta hold you for a while, Gertrude!'

I thought I was going to be rich, but it turns out there isn't much call for radish cider.

Researchers have discovered that cockroaches have personalities. Not great ones, mind you.

Why is taking no pleasure in things I used to enjoy a sign of depression? Maybe I'm just finally sick of crayoning!

Why did Mike Tyson break up with his girlfriend? At first he thought she was ear-resistable, but then they started having ear-reconcilable differences.

What do you call a gay boxer? Orlando Cruz.

Sherri Shepherd is worried that her ex-husband will release nude photos of her.

So am I!

Apparently the Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phones are spontaneously catching fire. When you run screaming they also hit you with roaming charges!

Researchers in Russia say that dolphins have a distinct spoken language of their own. What disillusion that they use the 'N' word constantly.

When you're single and trying to attract a partner, it's important to project the qualities you desire... which I understand, but boy-oh-boy have I had to suck a lot of dick lately...

Yesterday I had a picture framed, now it's doing time upstate for armed robbery.

I need to have glasses to see my family. Specifically, two glasses... of scotch!

I saw my little nephew and he asked me "where would be the worst place to get a bug-bite". I thought about it and said 'Maybe the eye? Where do you think?' and he said 'Brazil'.

I signed up for my company's 401k but I don't think I can run that far.

I wouldn't call myself a fan of 'steampunk', but I will say it's the healthiest way to prepare punk.

I'd like to take a moment to address all the men in the audience: No means no... and bacalao means cod.

If I was grading constellations, my review and description for Orion's Belt would be just three stars.

A new study shows that dogs can tell when people are doling out fake praise, so I guess that's the one thing that differentiates my dog from Adam Eget.

You know what they say, opinions are like assholes. I wanna suck them all!

My girlfriend's mad at me right now. Last night during sex I yelled the name of her ex-boyfriend.

Nice fella!

I'm not saying that your trusty sidekick, Adam Eget, is dumb but on his contract where it said 'Sign here' he wrote 'Capricorn'

One story from the book of Haddith reports how the prophet Mohammed joked with a boy called Abu 'Umayr who was playing with a small sparrow. One day the prophet saw the child looking sad and so asked 'Why do I see Abu 'Umayr looking sad?'. One of the villagers told him that the nughayr sparrow that he used to play with had died, wherupon the prophet began to gently joke with the child to bring him out of his melancholy saying 'Oh, Abu 'Umayr what happened to the nugayr?'

Note: In Arabic this is a play on words because of the rhyme between the boy's name Abu 'Umayr and that of the diminuitive bird nughayr.

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was this most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business at this convention?"

"Lecturer. I use the information I've learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "What kind of myths are there?"

"Well, one popular myth says that African American men are the most well endowed of all men, when in fact it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"It's Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba!"

I know I'm not the most attractive man in the world, when women look at me I can tell they're over-dressing me with their eyes.

I was raised in a broken home, my father was a drunk carpenter.

I had a wild night last night, I was in an orgy.

It was me, my iPad, my laptop and my TV while my phone watched.

I've never been on top of the latest trends. When everyone was burning CDs I was still burning books.

A friend of mine said that his biggest fear is that ISIS or some terrorist group like that will get hold of a dirty bomb and explode it over a major city within the United States and kill tens of millions of people...

...because then the blowback against innocent muslims would be absolutely terrible.

I'm taking a fascinating class all about the Hollywood Freeway. It's called 101: 101.

Mrs. Donald J. Trump fresh from a plagiarism scandal is facing a different kind of heat. A racy photo spread from '95 has emerged with photos of Melania Trump lying nude in a bed as another naked model embraces her from behind just below her breasts which are fully exposed. Another photo shows the other naked model in sheer stockings, a low-cut bustier and high-heels raising a whip as if prepaing to spank Melania who pretends to recoil. Jeez, who does Melania think she is, Mamie Eisenhower?!

Crowds in Brazil greeted arriving Olympians with signs reading 'Welcome to Hell'. Their local Chamber of Commerce really needs to brush up on the basics.

There's no hard evidence that flossing helps your teeth much, scientists now say, though they add that it is a great activity for people who enjoy tedious repetitious drudgery.

A heatwave striking in New York has caused horse manure to spontaneously combust, so for the first time in history you can explain why New York City smells like a flaming pile of horseshit.

TBS is developing a Notorious BIG inspired comedy series which I guess explains their new slogan:

TBS - Fucking Dogshit

Last week Pope Francis paid a sombre visit to Auschwitz which surprised me because I thought he was one of those fun ghosts.

The Blue Man Group has been forced by the federal government to hire an orange man and a purple woman.

A new report by the CDC reports that only one third of Americans use condoms while two thirds are still pretty cool.

Ever since Trump's new immigration policy came in, the band 'Foreigner' is scared.

They say curiosity killed the cat but I don't think we should rule out that shifty-lookin' kid next door...

Something tells me a 'cock-and-bull story' has a different meaning at a gay rodeo.

You know I'm happy to help out a friend, but the next time my roommate asks for help putting on sunscreen, he better be talking about his back. Fool me once!

The person who invented the frisbee was cremated and made into frisbees after he died, his body was then spread across roofs and poorly maintained backyards.

You know what's not as easy as pie?

Baking an actual fucking pie!

There's no use crying over spilt milk, unless the milk was spilt on your father's fresh corpse right before his funeral.

A New Mexico man was arrested for urinating on a family at a Metallica concert, or as Adam Eget calls it, 'foreplay'.

When I grew up, my family was so poor we didn't have a pot to piss in, so we pissed in other people's pots. We'd break into people's houses in the dead of night, find people's pots and take a giant piss in them because we had accumulated full bladders from holding down urine all day long from waiting to piss in people's pots.

I don't want to shoot myself in the foot but my left big toe is a neo-nazi. Even worse, my big right toe believes that there should be a gender pay gap.

A group of crows is called a murder, a group of unicorns is called a blessing and a group of cows is called my in-laws!

A hippo's mouth is wide enough to fit a four foot tall child, unfortunately after measuring the hippo's mouth almost all the children were eaten.

Look, I know the bible says not to covet thy neighbour's wife, but it doesn't say a damn thing about not coveting thy neighbour's husband, especially his sweet hot fuckin' asshole.

The Statue of Liberty is setting a bad example for young women. When times get tough, you can't just stand motionless for centuries holding a torch.

Artifacts from Auschwitz are set to go on tour for the first time. Experts believe this will be Miley Cyrus' darkest opening act yet.

A new study finds that men are more likely to blame 'stress from work' as the contributor to poor mental health while women are more likely to jabber on about something or other.

They announced there's going to be another Twilight movie and the little girl inside me is really excited.

I made a bad business decision, started an online business, you know what I sold?

Brick & Mortar.

I may not have book smarts, but you know what I do have?

Supermarket flyer smarts!

A new study shows that 37% of people talk to their car.

It's the first study ever conducted by The International Organisation of David Hasselhoff.

How do you get a tissue to dance?

You put a little boogie in it.

Roses are gray,

Violets are gray,

Tulips are gray,

Because I'm a dog.

I wear my hair in a man-bun to compensate for my tiny man-hotdog wiener.

Did you know every planet in our solar system is named after a god?

Except Earth which is named after that stuff on the ground.

Every day I try to expand my vocabulary by using new words to give my arguments more verisimilitude.

Today's word is 'expand'.

My father urged me to pursue my passion, that's why I'm here.

I had to go into showbiz to make back all the money I lost marketing and designing neckerchiefs.

Call me old fashioned, but I long for the days when wives stayed at home and only cost three goats.

I was once trapped on a desert island and to be honest, the five albums I brought didn't help a goddamn thing.