S1:E11 — Gilbert Gottfried (Part 1)

Today is the 11th birthday of President Obama's youngest daughter Sasha. Or as I like to call her, 'the uppity one'

Well we're now into those hazy crazy lazy days of summer.

Especially those of us who are over-medicated schizophrenics who live near smoky industrial parks.

I think there's some trouble over at Craigslist. I went over there and saw an ad: 'Someone to kill Craig's wife'

You know that sweet old song 'Tea for Two'?

"Nobody near us to see us or hear us"?

I think those people wanted to get down to some serious fucking.

I think the reason I most look forward to China ruling the earth is that all of their last names sound like slang for 'cock'.

Astronomers have discovered three new planets that have an atmosphere conducive to human life. And they've discovered one that has an "atmo" conducive to hipster life.

Michael Douglas portrayed the flamboyant entertainer Liberace in the new HBO film 'Behind the Candelabra'.

I'd like to say something to Michael Douglas: I sang with Liberace, I knew Liberace, Liberace was a friend of mine. Michael Douglas, you're no Liberace!

Why is it so difficult to find pornography about people in stable monogamous relationships?

China's government has reported that they have lost over 28,000 rivers in the past decade. My theory is they sold it into the sordid world of underground river sex trafficking.

A man in France tried to rob a bank using underwear as a mask, the cops put him in jail right after a quick debriefing.

You know, I'm old enough to remember back to simpler, more innocent times, when the worst thing you'd hear about on the news was hijacked jet liners flying into buildings.

The world's 2nd oldest man died this week at 113. Good news for the world's 3rd oldest man who also got bad news this week: He's dying.

Michael Douglas claims that oral sex can lead to throat cancer. Which might shed some light on why Adam Eget prefers to lick mens assholes.