S1:E9 — Nick Swardson

A Florida university student was caught streaking on campus and apparently told police he was on acid, and asked them to cut his dick off. Boy, these kids today are crazy, back in my day we didn't need drugs, we would just cut our own dicks off.

There's a new 3D version of the Great Gatsby coming out. In 3D, it was almost like the sober examination of the unrestrained materialism and absent moral center of the roaring twenties jumps right out at you!

I think my doctor might be retarded.

Why?

His name is Doctor Retardo.

42 year old Richard Swanson set out to dribble a soccer ball from Seattle to Brazil, but got hit by a car in Oregon and died. Well at least he got to die doing what he loved. Dribbling a soccer ball in traffic.

One of the most popular documentaries on Netflix is 'Jiro Dreams of Sushi'.

One of the least popular is 'Jiro Nightmares of Ass Rape'.

"Pain and Gain" the new movie directed by Michael Bay.

Reviewers are calling it everything from "shit" to "fucking shit"!

My landlord managed to get rid of 230 pounds of ugly fat - he evicted me!

Sure we all know about Norm's astonishing weight gain - but i think it's become a bit wearisome. So let's agree to stop having fun at his expanse.

Four of the top 5 picks in the NFL draft were offensive tackles which is a great thing to tell your wife as the love drains from her eyes.

Danny Devito looks like one of those guys with a short but thick penis.

You know dogs and humans love to run because apparently it gives them a natural high, similar to marijuana, according to the university of Arizona.

After running, what are called cannabinoids, the chemical found in marijuana that gives you the feeling of euphoria, are higher in humans and dogs, and this encourages them to run again... to 7/11 for a slurpee!

A man in Taiwan reportedly cut off his own penis to win an argument with his wife. That reminds me of that episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond" where Raymond forgot Debra's birthday and had to cut his own cock off.

Before I begin I have a quick public service announcement.

Would somebody, anybody, please fuck Martha Stewart?

For the 9th consecutive year, JetBlue Airlines ranked 1st for satisfaction among all North American airlines. Y'know which ranked least in satisfaction?

9/11 Airlines.

I can understand why Barbara Walters is retiring. It must be exhausting occasionally appearing on 'The View'.

Engaging in hate speech is wrong and terrible and should never be tolerated. But you have to admit, engaging in a hate stutter would be kind of cute.

A 'Papa John's' delivery man has been arrested for allegedly selling more than $40,000 in cocaine hidden in pizza boxes, to undercover police officers. This raises an important question: Wheres all that pizza that was supposed to go in those boxes? And can I have them to eat?

Sesame Street introduced its very first Latino character, Armando. But it's not going great, apparently on the first day he got into a knife fight and stabbed the letter A.

The FDA is investigating health risks posed by Wrigley's new caffeinated gum. Where the hell was the FDA when York Peppermint Patties were making people shiver and have involuntary orgasms?

Time Magazine named the Top 100 Most Influential People in the World. The Top 100 included Justin Timberlake, Beyoncé, Jimmy Kimmel... in your FACE, Ueli Maurer, President of the Swiss Confederation!

Nowadays most teenagers don't watch their favorite shows on actual TV sets. Instead they just blow each other.

How many people have to die before we finally do something about dropping pianos?!