S1:E2 — Tom Green

This Easter Sunday, Snoop Dogg gets to say "Christ is Rizzisen"

We wear new clothes on Easter to represent Christ's triumphant appearance to the stunned Apostles in a sharp 2-button blazer by Hugo Boss.

The guy who did the voice of Charlie Brown was arrested for stalking his girlfriend this week.

He also said the next time Lucy grabs away the football, he's going to "cut that bitch".

President Obama continues to shamelessly wage class warfare.

Today he announced a steep new tax on shiny top hats.

Some folks say what this country needs is a good five cent cigar. I'm guessing they're opposing Obamacare.

I don't know if this counts as an NCAA Cinderella story, but one of the marquette players said he had help making his uniform from a bunch of singing mice and birds.

I read a story about a 17 year old kid who stole a plane, crashed it, and survived.

Why don't we make the whole plane out of that kid?

Warning to the Easter bunny: Don't put all your eggs in one basket, fella!

They say the world's a smaller place than it used to be, but I think that's an optical illusion, based on me becoming a big fat guy.

Growing up, I never would have believed that one day I'd need a computer just to masturbate.

Jon Hamm has a big dick. I could have told you that, but I don't suck and tell!

Swedish Bond girl Britt Ekland told Piers Morgan this week that she was seduced by Warren Beatty after the legendary lothario took her to an X-rated movie for their first date.

This is what I have to say about that: "Hey Warren, stop stealing my moves!"

Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb, but I invented the lightbulb up my ass.

Octomom is facing jail time for committing welfare fraud. Who didn't see that one coming. I mean seriously, a single mother of eight!

I am not a big fan of videogames where you cannot kill a prostitute.

The thing I miss most about the 70's is rolling a number and giving my old lady some head.

Celebrating April 1st birthdays, Russian pianist Sergei Rachmaninoff, who was born on this day in 1872, rapper Method Man is 41, Debbie Reynolds turns 80 today, Rachel Maddow is 39, and former German Chancellor Helmut Schmidt would have been 95 today.

April Fools! Former German Chancellor Helmut Schmidt is alive and well!

I love Lou Gehrig, but I'm not going to stand up in front of a million people and brag that I'm the luckiest man in the world because some doctors named a disease after me.

Confidence is one thing, but arrogance is the worst disease of them all.

One day in the hopefully not-too-distant future, North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un is going to hear a loud popping sound. The sound of his head coming out of his own ass!

A Miami Florida pimp is in custody after forcing a 13 year old prostitute to have his name tattooed on her eyelids when she threatened to run away from him. Roman Thomas III faces charges of human trafficking, false imprisonment, lewd and lascivious exhibition, and delivery of a controlled substance to a child. Y'know, I know the scriptures say "judge not lest ye be judged" but I'm just going to come right out and say it. This 'Roman Thomas III guy'... this guy's a real jerk!

I used to think revenge was a dish best served cold, but then I realized it meant 'getting back at somebody'.

Hey, news media, leave Kim Kardashian alone, will you? She's pregnant! Of course she's going to gain weight, and if anyone knows about rapid weight gain it's me. I went to see the doctor about it and he told me to open my mouth and say OINK!

I think enough time has passed since 1947 where I can safely admit it.

I wish I was the guy that finally wiped the annoying smirk off the Black Dahlia's face.

Music is the universal language, but one day soon it will be replaced by Chinese.

I feel the same way about slaves as I do about shirts with flame patterns on them. I don't want to be friends with anyone who owns either of them.

Mickey Mantle knew two things, drinking, and playing drunk baseball.

Why doesn't Applebee's call their appetizers appletizers? And why doesn't that waitress I met at TGI Fridays ever call me back?

This administration is cutting back drastically on military spending but doesn't think defense capabilities will be compromised? How so? I'll tell you how so! Groupons!

Remember Groupons?

A worldwide scientific study confirms a long held suspicion; no one anywhere likes drum circles.

Justin Bieber's monkey has been quarantined, which reminds us how far we've come since headlines about Pearl Harbor and D-Day.

In the coffee shop line today I hear the guy behind me say "I like to start by biting the ears off" and I had to pray "Please God, let him be talking about a chocolate Easter bunny!"

Earlier this week Aaron Jackson of Topeka, Kansas painted his house the colors of the gay pride rainbow flag in direct protest of the Westboro Baptist Church. When that didn't seem to work, Jackson fucked three of his best buds on his front lawn.

Chipotle has cancelled its planned sponsorship of the Utah Boy Scout event due to the BSA's ban on gay leaders and scouts. Ironic how an all male anti-gay organization would want to put hot thick loads of beef and sour cream in their mouth.

Former Tennessee Titans cheerleader Elizabeth Leigh Garner, 42 is accused of pulling a 12 year old boy pants off and offering him oral sex. The boy refused her advances, not because he was 12 but because he was a diehard Colts fan.