S1:E8 — Simon Helberg

Despite all the advances in veterinary medicine and racing technology the Kentucky Derby record set by Secretariat still stands, the reason?

Today's horses are total pussies.

Ja Rule's taxes are just like his music. No one can remember the last time he released anything.

Catherine Zeta-Jones admitted she is bi-polar.

Half the time she's deliriously happy, and the other half she has to suck an old man's cock.

If tampons are called sanitary napkins, how unsanitary must regular napkins be?

Scientists have found a submerged mass of granite off the coast of South America that they are calling the 'Brazilian Atlantis'. Dammit, I want to be called the 'Brazilian Atlantis'!

Crews in Ohio dismantled a tavern wall in search of Jimmy Hoffa's body, and sure enough, they found the inside of a tavern wall!

I once missed a day of cosmetology school and later I had to take a make-up class.

The Dalai Lama said that "killing in the name of religion is unthinkable".

Hey, thanks Dalai Lama! I'm sure everybody will fucking listen to you!

Yesterday was 'bring-your-daughter-to-work day', which was awkward for Adam Eget. Do you know how hard it is to fuck a whore with her kid on the edge of the bed playing Nintendo?

I like hotels, they make your bed, make your dinner, send housekeepers up to watch you masturbate, its a dream.

The parents of Honey Boo-Boo are getting married this week. I don't know what any of that means but it sounds fucking retarded.

Recent studies show fish can communicate with each other using subtle physical gestures. One of their most common messages: (make a subtle gesture) "Lets leave this party early"

I assume anyone smiling is on meth.

According to a new survey, Robin Roberts is America's most trusted news anchor. And America's least trusted news anchor? Matt Liar!

Ariel Castro the Cleveland kidnapper and rapist must have had a very difficult upbringing. His last name's the same as a ruthless dictator, and his first name's the same as an adorable little red-haired mermaid.

A new study found that men with beards are more attractive than men without beards.

More great work from the University of Bob Seger!

If you guys think it's weird that that guy in Cleveland kept three women in his basement as sex slaves, wait 'til you hear what my middle-aged Uncle Gordon kept in his basement...

A fuckin' electric train!