S3:E3 — David Letterman

Scientists have discovered a vegan spider in South Africa that will not eat ants. It refuses to eat ants even if it's starving but it will eat tofu shaped like ants.

Researchers in Bermuda believe that they may have finally solved the mystery of Amelia Earhart's disappearance: She was a bad pilot.

The Deer Hunter is a terrific movie unless you shelled out three bucks to see some actual deer hunting.

Say what you will about Elon Musk but with his new plan to bring people to Mars, nobody is a more creative serial killer.

You know the funniest part about doing an office conga line?

When you look back and realise you're doing it alone and you're not in an office, you're in a psychiatric hospital.

I heard that when Beethoven was 16 he wrote his first symphony. This is the kinda guy who makes you realise what an utter sham your life has been. When I was 16, I was in a McDonald's saying "You want lids on these?"

A surname you don't hear much anymore?

Flintstone.

I played a great club here in the city, 'Catch a Rising Star', boy, that's a good club, but across the street they have a tough club, have you been there?

'Snub a Bombing Has-been'

Here's something you should never say in bed:

'That oughta hold you for a while, Gertrude!'